The 13 year old that hates me: Part I

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Much has changed since I stared in the mirror to see a pasty, awkward, string bean of a 13-year-old girl with cropped curls looking back at me in disgust.

At the time, that look didn’t surprise me.

Now you may be thinking, Catherine... have any of those things changed?

Cropped curls, check.

Fair skin, check.

Long, slender appendages, yup-check.

Awkward? I have my moments, but I like to think of myself as a poised and confident woman.

Maybe I am growing out of that one…

Nonetheless, last Friday I found myself in the dressing room trying to find a dress to wear on Christmas. After many failed attempts to find anything that fit, I looked in the mirror at my 22 year old self and met the eyes of that 13 year old girl looking back at me in defiance.

I thought,

“I. am. disgusting.”

Now that? That surprised me.

(It even hurt to type out.)

For the most part, my thoughts toward myself are as follows:

“Pretty.”

“Wow, I look really beautiful.”

“Dangggg, I look hot.”

Am I not supposed to say that?

Well it’s the truth, and I am not ashamed that I like myself- I think you should like yourself too. I have come a long way and believe that confidence is one of the most important things to posses. 

But… I have my days.

 

From my long, boney feet to my flat chest, to the halo of frizz atop my head, those eyes surveyed my body in disappointment as if they hoped something would have changed in all those years.

It was like I was looking at myself through the eyes of that insecure child. And you know what they say, kids are mean.

 

So here I am writing about it.

Is it cliché? Yes.

Has it been said before? Yes.

Is it absurd that things that I normally love about myself, I can so quickly begin to scorn? Absolutely.

But is it real? Yes.

It is worth talking about and being vulnerable for? Yes, because I don’t believe that I am the only woman who has these types of thoughts.

But here is the real question. Can it be overcome? Yes.

Those long, boney feet? My boyfriend says they are graceful. And they helped me win fifth place in breaststroke at the state swim meet when I was 18. My flat chest? Um, HELLO pretty bralettes. And frizz? Please! My curls are like crown atop my head and I wouldn’t have it ANY other way.

If those negative thoughts I talked about earlier are things that I squashed and dealt with a long time ago, where do they come from?

There are certain things that will always try to creep back into our lives once we have conquered them. I believe that having a positive body image and loving oneself can be one of those things… but we don’t have to allow those thoughts take residence in our heads.

So I want to have a conversation. I never wanted this blog to be one sided, and I am officially opening up the floor-can we PLEASE have some open dialogue?!

I know how I have dealt and continue to deal with negative thoughts when they come to my mind.

I have sought truth and found comfort in what Jesus says about me. But I want to know how YOU deal when certain thoughts tempt you to a place of insecurity. What scriptures do you lean on? What promise do you hold close?

Or maybe insecurity is not something you have overcome, but something you struggle with every day. Lets talk about it. I don’t pretend to have all the answers- that’s not why I am here, but I might have a piece of the puzzle that fits pretty swell with yours. 

 

P.S. I want to give a special thank you to my dear, childhood friend Kayce Fruchtnicht (yes, I used the cheer to spell your last name). We haven't seen each other in years. She randomly mentioned in a comment on Instagram that she liked my blog and had been following it. Little did she know, I had been thinking about writing this very post, but she gave the courage and encouragement to put myself out there. So thank you, Kayce. You never know, someone may need to hear what you have to say. So please, don't be afraid. Speak up.

 

Ardently,